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Values – They Make Us Who We Are

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by

Sarah Mulvey
in

Nosce te ipsum – Know Thyself

We all have them – values. And they direct our life choices every day. We often take them for granted, or may even assume the people we spend time with have the same values we do.

Interestingly, I’ve noticed a recurring theme in my sessions recently; clients coming to see me because of value clashes occurring in the important relationships that they are a part of.

These conflicts in values often manifest within cross-cultural romantic relationships or friendships, but certainly aren’t limited to those areas. For clients who are new to Japan, the differences in their own culture’s value system vs. that of Japan becomes apparent pretty quickly, usually after the Honeymoon Stage of culture shock has worn off. (Click the ‘free preview’ option on the book cover below for more info on the Honeymoon Stage.)

Clients who are more accustomed to speaking up and sharing their opinions freely in their home culture, may find themselves feeling stifled or suppressed now that they are in a heterogeneous culture that values harmony within a group over one person standing out within that group. That isn’t to say that ‘standing out’ doesn’t happen in Japan – it certainly does. But those who were brought up in the system have a better understanding of the subtlety and nuance that is required to do this in such a way that doesn’t disturb the ‘wa.’

If you’re finding yourself tired, burnt out, or just plain homesick for the way things were done when you were growing up, there’s a good chance you are well past the Honeymoon Stage of your time in Japan, and feeling the fatigue that goes with having your value system not align with the people around you. When you have a solid understanding of what values are most important to you, it puts you in a position to better understand why you and your partner, a friend, or a co-worker may be experiencing friction. With this understanding, you provide yourself opportunities to be more flexible and open to understanding the value systems of those around you, and to widen your perspective of what constitutes the ‘right’ way of doing things.

The sessions on values that The J’Expat Network provides are also a great pay-it-forward opportunity. Once you understand your values and how they motivate you, you will be able to share how you came to this understanding with those close to you, and even offer to go through some of the exercises you did in your sessions with friends and loved ones.

The bottom line is that being more flexible in your worldview opens up more choices. There is a certain sense of freedom that comes with having an abundance of choice, and with that freedom you will find you are connecting in a more meaningful way to the people and places you encounter everyday. The most important step in this journey is understanding your own value system and how it can align comfortably with the relationships you forge, whether in Japan, in your home country, or wherever your travels will bring you next.

If you’d like to investigate your own value system in a private and confidential space, please feel free to contact the J’Expat Network to discuss options. I look forward to seeing you!

Sarah

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4 responses to “Values – They Make Us Who We Are”

  1. Bruce Grimley Avatar
    Bruce Grimley

    Thank you Sarah, for a really interesting blog. I think you say a really interesting thing when you mention: “But those who were brought up in the system have a better understanding of the subtlety and nuance that is required to do this in such a way that doesn’t disturb the ‘wa.’ ”
    It seems to me if anybody finds value in staying for any time in another culture, it is probably a sin qua non, they firstly recognise they are in a different culture, and then invest a considerable amount of time modelling that culture both consciously and unconsciously and thus at least become partially competent in understanding the explicit and implicit rules. It is probably inevitable the host culture will be different from their own culture, it is possibly a matter of just understanding what those differences are and setting different anchors?? (Just thinking aloud and thank you).

    Reply
    1. Sarah Mulvey Avatar
      Sarah Mulvey

      Hi Bruce! Thank you for your comment. You are absolutely right, particularly of the people who settle in and make a new culture their permanent home – as you say, they both consciously and unconsciously take on the characteristics and important values of the country they have chosen to settle in. However, there are a subset of longterm expats who are quite rigid and inflexible in their belief that their own culture is the template for all others, and who interact as if they had never left their homeland. It most certainly makes their life more difficult (and often for those around them, too!)
      Thanks for reading!

      Reply
  2. Brian Cullen Avatar
    Brian Cullen

    Interesting article and comments. Bruce suggested, “it is possibly a matter of just understanding what those differences are and setting different anchors??” Fundamentally, I think this is true. It does, however, raise the epistemological question of how we can understand these differences and also how deep those anchors need to be. I suspect there are cultural differences and anchors embedded so deeply within the unconscious that conscious elicitation is never really going to be feasible. Second position modelling is also not a fully viable option in a relatively homogenous society like Japan where a non-Japanese is visibly different. Maybe, it is a third position or systemic modelling perspective that is most useful, one where the multiple perspectives of the participants and their interactions inform a behaviour that is congruent and effective within that system.

    Reply
    1. Sarah Mulvey Avatar
      Sarah Mulvey

      Thanks for your comment, Brian! I would find it really interesting to work with a client using multiple perspectives in order to understand their reticence to take on more of the values of the country they have chosen to live in. I’ve met people from other countries when out socializing who will simply not eat Japanese food, speak even small phrases to clerks or wait staff, and who often hold their own cultural values as the template for all others. But I’m seeing them only in social contexts. If a person were to seek counselling in order to discover why assimilating just a bit has been so difficult for them, it would be a great opportunity to delve more deeply into both the conscious and unconscious biases that may be inhibiting them from diving at least into the shallow end of Japanese culture. What’s that phrase you say to me a lot…”How do you go about eating an elephant?” “Well, one bite at a time, of course!” Perhaps some people arrive in a new culture with an all or nothing attitude; either jump in and learn it all (and this happens!) or conversely, keep a protective wall around one’s own cultural values not only to preserve them, but in this way, they’ll never make a mistake. And that could be at the foundation of it all; fear of failure. But we know something important, right?! There is not failure, only feedback! 🙂

      Reply

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